Harmless Invaders or the Spawn of Satan...you decide
Some of you may have been wondering when this diatribe was coming. More than any other factor that had kept me from making a permanent move back to the South in the past was - bugs. More than the heat and humidity, more than the passive aggressive culture, and maybe even more than my crazy relations it was bugs that I was truly afraid of. Not just any bugs, mind you, but a very specific kind of bug, the Palmetto bug, or tree roach. As referenced in its name this bug is supposed to live mainly in Palmetto trees or live oaks. We haven't a single Palmetto tree or live oak near our house, yet these critters (that is way too cute a name for them), these things make their way into our house. I can predict now, with almost 100% accuracy when they will invade. They will most likely invade after a horrendous downpour or when the lawn gets cut. Today the yard guys came and did their thing.
Yup, you guessed it... Tonight I was sitting at my computer harmlessly emailing a friend when I heard a very slight noise over my left shoulder where the window is located. I looked, but I saw nothing. Two seconds later I looked again and there it was. (The reason I consider this species the spawn of Satan is that they will crawl or fly AT you when you look at them!) I promptly screamed, which my mom, who is recovering from surgery, did not hear. (So much for the theory of single people not living alone so that someone will know if they've been attacked or died suddenly from some unknown cause.) Then, I ran out of the room, still screaming. I stepped back to the doorway to check where it was, and it had crossed the room to where I was standing and was heading for my feet! I leaped up into the air and ran screaming into the living room. Still no response from mom (the drugs they gave her at the hospital must be good!). I ran to the garage and got my weapon of choice - a broom. I prefer the long handled, far-away-from-it-ness that the broom offers. Part of my neurosis is that in no way can I step on these things. Just thinking about the sound that makes causes my skin to crawl. My plan was to return and beat it to death with the broom then vacuum the remains. Well, my plan was foiled. I stood in the hallway tonight with broom grasped firmly in hand, white-knuckled, and no bug. Worse than the thought of seeing this thing again is NOT seeing it again. I have no idea where it is. When I left it was in the hallway, now, who knows? I am blogging tonight whilst keeping a sharp eye (and ear) out for its return. (Yes, I really can HEAR them! It must be some weird residual effect of having nerve deafness). Every spot on the carpet and every knot in the wood paneling is potentially IT. I know I won't be able to sleep without knowing that IT is dead. Much to the entertainment of friends and acquaintances, I sleep with mosquito netting over my bed; nights like tonight are the reason for that!
My mother has offered treatments for my phobia, like hypnosis or some kind of therapy involving what, I can only imagine, would seem like I was on an episode of Fear Factor. I mean, it's a phobia, right? I will readily admit, I am afraid of them. I don't think "facing my fear" will help in this case. I was just facing my fear, and I ran away screaming! Some people are afraid of heights, some people are afraid of snakes, I'm afraid of bugs. By the way, if any of you had a snake in your house I'm sure you wouldn't go to sleep knowing it was still there somewhere! I realize I'm getting defensive, and I'm just typing! These things make me crazy! While I'm sitting here waiting for IT to show its evil self, I'm slapping away all the imaginary bugs that I now think are crawling on me. At least those of you who fear snakes have Biblical backup. I mean, the serpent in the garden really WAS the spawn of Satan. The only bugs really mentioned in the Bible involve plagues of locusts. It never really says how the Egyptians got rid of those, does it? OK - for those of you still reading - I'm through. I still don't know where this bug is, but I'm hoping the poison barrier it had to walk through to get into the house will bring swift punishment.
Yup, you guessed it... Tonight I was sitting at my computer harmlessly emailing a friend when I heard a very slight noise over my left shoulder where the window is located. I looked, but I saw nothing. Two seconds later I looked again and there it was. (The reason I consider this species the spawn of Satan is that they will crawl or fly AT you when you look at them!) I promptly screamed, which my mom, who is recovering from surgery, did not hear. (So much for the theory of single people not living alone so that someone will know if they've been attacked or died suddenly from some unknown cause.) Then, I ran out of the room, still screaming. I stepped back to the doorway to check where it was, and it had crossed the room to where I was standing and was heading for my feet! I leaped up into the air and ran screaming into the living room. Still no response from mom (the drugs they gave her at the hospital must be good!). I ran to the garage and got my weapon of choice - a broom. I prefer the long handled, far-away-from-it-ness that the broom offers. Part of my neurosis is that in no way can I step on these things. Just thinking about the sound that makes causes my skin to crawl. My plan was to return and beat it to death with the broom then vacuum the remains. Well, my plan was foiled. I stood in the hallway tonight with broom grasped firmly in hand, white-knuckled, and no bug. Worse than the thought of seeing this thing again is NOT seeing it again. I have no idea where it is. When I left it was in the hallway, now, who knows? I am blogging tonight whilst keeping a sharp eye (and ear) out for its return. (Yes, I really can HEAR them! It must be some weird residual effect of having nerve deafness). Every spot on the carpet and every knot in the wood paneling is potentially IT. I know I won't be able to sleep without knowing that IT is dead. Much to the entertainment of friends and acquaintances, I sleep with mosquito netting over my bed; nights like tonight are the reason for that!
My mother has offered treatments for my phobia, like hypnosis or some kind of therapy involving what, I can only imagine, would seem like I was on an episode of Fear Factor. I mean, it's a phobia, right? I will readily admit, I am afraid of them. I don't think "facing my fear" will help in this case. I was just facing my fear, and I ran away screaming! Some people are afraid of heights, some people are afraid of snakes, I'm afraid of bugs. By the way, if any of you had a snake in your house I'm sure you wouldn't go to sleep knowing it was still there somewhere! I realize I'm getting defensive, and I'm just typing! These things make me crazy! While I'm sitting here waiting for IT to show its evil self, I'm slapping away all the imaginary bugs that I now think are crawling on me. At least those of you who fear snakes have Biblical backup. I mean, the serpent in the garden really WAS the spawn of Satan. The only bugs really mentioned in the Bible involve plagues of locusts. It never really says how the Egyptians got rid of those, does it? OK - for those of you still reading - I'm through. I still don't know where this bug is, but I'm hoping the poison barrier it had to walk through to get into the house will bring swift punishment.
posted by maslyn | 9:49 PM
1 Comments:
I've always wondered why God created roaches.
When I was in Grad School I heard people call them Palmetto Bugs and I always thought that that was too nice of a name for them.
I am ashamed to say, though, that I have adapted (somewhat) to having them in my house - the house is sprayed, but they still pop up all over. Ugh! I used to always scream when I saw them, now I tend to just look away.
Heat, humidity, roaches... it's a wonder you moved back here!
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