Voices

I hear voices. What I mean to say is that there are voices of people that I know or have known that run through my brain with astonishing regularity. Not all the voices are good ones, but one of the best comes from the gentle yet forceful baritone of Brennan Manning. What he may lack in physical stature, he more than makes up for in the sheer power of his voice and words. Years ago, in college, I attended a weekend retreat led by Brennan, and I can truly say that his words and voice have followed me ever since. It helps that I bought a set of tapes recorded at a retreat with a similar theme, which I played constantly for about a year, wearing out my car audio system. I felt like I could reach out and physically touch his relationship with Jesus. His words and experiences made me desire that same kind of intensity, and I really felt that I was as close to God as I have ever been. Most of my years in ministry were still ahead of me at that point, and, yet, I don’t feel I’ve ever gotten that close again. It is an ache which I have dulled with a sense of duty, moral agenda, and the desire to be accepted by others. I sell that relationship, that primary source, short for the temporary accolades of worldly friends and thereby become the harlot once again, in desperate need for the very love that I have traded away for what amounts to so many trinkets and shiny junk.
On a six month retreat in the Zaragosa desert in Spain, Brennan Manning heard God’s voice say to him on a mid-winter’s night: "For love of you I left my Father's side. I came to you who ran from me, who fled me, who did not want to hear my name. For love of you I was covered with spit, punched and beaten, and fixed to the wood of the cross." Brennan would later reflect, "Those words are burned into my life. That night, I learned what a wise old Franciscan told me the day I joined the Order -- 'Once you come to know the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem as beautiful or desirable.' " You would have to hear him say those words aloud to get the full impact, but as true as I believe those words are, I still manage to walk away, to flee from Him, who loves me that much. Some other words of Brennan’s which have had great impact on me are these: “God expects more failure from you than you expect from yourself.” At first glance or listen, these don’t seem like encouraging words. But, oh, they are! They are! It might seem terrible that God expects us to fail, or that acceptance of those words might lead to a too great appropriation of grace, but the way I hear them I hear God’s gentleness in assuring me that there is nothing that I can do that will tear me from the palm of His hand. There’s nothing I can do or say that will cause Him to hate me as much as I sometimes hate myself. More words from Brennan say, “If you knew me, the real me, you’d be as disgusted with me as I am!” I get so tired from a life of striving to be what everyone else wants me to be, what I want to be that I lose sight of Christ and all the promises his calling brings. Joe Novenson (a recent addition to the voices) described the gap between my condition and my calling as something that will only become more evident to me the closer and longer I walk with God. I believe this to be true. I probably err on the side of focusing too hard on the depths of my depravity than on the higher calling God wants for me. I pray that will change now and over time. I thank God for the voices in my head, at least some of them.